Think about the way things have changed even just in the last 10 or 20 years, regarding how we talk about disabled people, how we treat the elderly in society, how REAL change has happened, and all the better for it.
Now consider these statements and imagine they were said to one of those groups in society.
‘He should not be doing that.’
‘He needs to shut up.’
‘Give her a good slap.’
‘You’ve got to let them know who’s in charge.’
‘What is it then male or female? Can’t tell with those clothes.’
‘What have you done to him?’
‘Isn’t he a bit big to be in a push chair.’
‘If she does not like it MAKE her eat it!’
‘If he cries at night just ignore the cries.’
‘Don’t hug them every time they feel sad, they will become dependent on you.’
‘Ewww do you HAVE to feed them in public?’
‘Her favourite food? Oh well why don’t you just give her any old thing?’
Except all these things were not said to an elderly person or a disabled person. All these comments have been made to my children or to me about my children, in a city which prides itself on being tolerant. They are cruel comments, they are hurtful. If as I suggested at the start they had been said to a disabled or elderly person there would be outrage. For some reason there still exists the belief that it is ok to talk to children or about children in this manner. It is not! The ‘what have you done to him’ comment was made by someone who actually stopped in the street and peered at my son who was at the time bandaged up due to eczema. It still makes me feel shaky thinking about it, and my son still remembers it. I don’t know any other better way to put this that children are people too, a bit of a tired phrase but a simple truth that is sadly and often overlooked.
I agree that these statements might cause more shock if said to other oppressed groups in society; after all, it is still considered a parent’s right in law to hit a child. There is no other group in society where the right to assault people from that group is enshrined in law, not that it doesn’t still happen.
However, one thing I would say is this. Comparing oppressions can be problematic, because the suggestion is that discrimination no longer exists against the group being compared with. Unfortunately, in our “tolerant” society, although in general some progress has been made towards inclusion and understanding, discrimination still exists against people with disabilities, and the elderly.
Elder abuse is incredibly common, and although not legally sanctioned in the way the hitting of children is, is still a huge problem, both in care homes and in personal home settings.
Again, discrimination against people with disabilities is rife in our society; in fact only very recently a group of climbers left a man in a wheelchair on Snowdon mountain. Rescuers heavily criticised the group, but that is just an example of the kind of discrimination people with disabilities face in our society.
In fact, I actually think in the latter case, had that happened to a child, there might have been more outrage. I don’t know. But I do think it is problematic to compare oppressions in that way.
I struggle myself, because it’s easy to say “you wouldn’t say that about X group” and it does make people think, but at the same time, it diminishes the fact that X group still faces very real discrimination. Personally, as a rule I try not to use “wouldn’t say about X group” unless I too am a member of X group. So I wouldn’t use “you wouldn’t say that about a person with disabilities”, but I have said “imagine if you said that about a woman”.
I do think one of the differences that we face when it comes to children is that as a society we don’t even understand when explained to us why those sentences you typed are wrong when applied to a child. Our view of children needs to change, that much is abundantly clear; their personhood needs to be respected.
Also I’m sorry you had such a horrible comment made about your child in public, and that he remembers. That must have been awful. People really do think it’s okay to say what they like to a child.
Yep I agree, i honestly could not think of a way to put it without comparing which does raise other issues.
should have said i have had a stroke too so i am a member of that group and have had all too often ‘YOU? you are too young to have a stroke’ and numerous other assumptions made about me;)
The part about your son and the comment about his bandages really hit home to me, as my son also has severe eczema and uses the wet wraps. Thankfully i’ve never had a comment like that but people have thought he has chicken pox plenty of times. So sorry, I can’t imagine how that would have felt to you. *hugs*
“You are too young to have a stroke”? Jeez, people say some incredibly thoughtless and heartless things. 😦
[…] by John H Llamacroft observes how things have changed in society during the past 10 or 20 years, but when it comes to my approach […]